I have to come clean. Since reaching halfway I have had a lot of fear bubble up. I know others have expressed before so I wanted to make FEAR the topic this week.

For SOOO much of my adult life I’ve realized that I hid behind my “weight” issue for a lot of different reasons, and some I’m JUST now discovering as I get smaller. I would always blame or fall back on the weight when anything didn’t go well. For example if I went out with a guy and we didn’t hit it off, then it had to be because of the weight. When I lost my baby I blamed . . . what else . . . weight. In spite of boatloads of evidence to support the contrary, it was like my default button. So lately I’ve been getting more attention and while it’s great, it’s also uncomfortable at times.

Then there is economic fear. For all of us in this country it is a volatile time. I’ve been added to the list of potentially having to change positions and even relocate completely - all potentially not definitively - but it has introduced another layer of fear for me.

My coping skills for fear and other emotions have gotten better but they aren’t perfected to the point where I don’t think of food when all of this starts swirling in my head. Last night I had an old school sugar binge . . . cupcakes, cheesecake, and carrot cake. I just didn’t want to be awake for the pain . . . BUT the ironic thing is that the binge didn’t do for me what it used to. I think I’ve worked SO much on becoming self aware on this program that I instinctively started journaling.

I wrote all my fears out and then I wrote what I could do if all those “worse case” scenarios came true. It made me see it was MUCH bigger in my mind that it was in reality.

So that is my challenge for me this week and I offer it to all of you if this is applicable in your life. FACE whatever is bothering you. Play it out on paper all the way through and see for yourself that YOU DO have what it takes to survive . . . no to THRIVE.

So this morning is a clean slate. I’m about to throw the remains of the sugar binge away and head to my consultation.

NEW definition of FEAR:

F Face
E Everything in my life
A and
R Remain on Jenny Craig

So there . . . what’s there really to fear? I’ve just turned it into something good and that’s what it’s all about . . . how we DEFINE a situation/feeling determines how we feel, which then determines how we’ll behave.

Let’s get it started. It’s a brand new day, a clean slate just waiting for all of us to make our mark.

HAPPY NEW DAY everyone!

Here we go…..

Hope

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I barely made it to my consultation this week because I was so sick. I was at a conference where I had H1N1 exposure but thank goodness that’s not what I picked up. Turns out it was just a nasty cold. It did make me think about being “sick and tired” though.

We talk about how bad it feels to go around others and feel insecure because of our size, we talk about how we don’t like being the “largest” (at least for us women, who hasn’t scanned the room to see if someone is bigger and internally rejoiced about it), we spend our days consumed about our size, weight loss progress or lack of, we start a lot of conversations about what we “should” do…..

Then somewhere along the list of complaints there’s inevitably the comment “and I’m so sick and tired of this”….SOOOO my challenge to myself and to all of you who wish to take it is: HOW SICK ARE YOU?

Sick and tired enough to dig in and do the WORK required to change lifestyles?

Sick and tired enough to bring up problems/struggles with the intent to find SOLUTIONS?

Sick and tired enough to be uncomfortable as those old habits die a slow death?

Sick and tired enough to know the scale will not always say what you want, by the date you want?

Sick and tired of making the scale your ONLY data point to measure success which inevitably will lead to a rollercoaster of emotions?

Sick and tired of NOT accepting that sometimes you can do everything right and the scale doesn’t reflect your efforts? Are you willing to give up the meltdowns over a single number on a single day?

Sick and tired enough to know that emotionally you will not always feel pumped up and raring to go open another Jenny Craig entree but you do it anyway?

Sick and tired enough to find the kind of workout and workout “style” (meaning social or alone) that you prefer and accept that it may take time to find your personal “click”?

Sick and tired enough to make wallowing and self pity unacceptable and that from this point you choose to be powerful not pitiful?

Sick and tired enough to stop being your own enemy with negative self talk but working to have daily affirmations to change it?

Sick and tired enough to realize perfection isn’t required and so neither is a complete meltdown when imperfect days happen?

Sick and tired of starting and stopping the program only to realize that quitting never makes your progress faster?

Sick and tired of comparing yourself to anyone other than your former self?

………….So that’s it for me. How SICK are you?

For me today I can honestly say that I’m sick enough of talking about weight, so I continue to commit to my program. I went to my consultation anyway because I know that this is the ONE area of my life that I have complete control AND it comes with a guarantee of feeling great about me and my life.

So as I morphed into a major pity party for being sick, I simultaneously took care of what I could take care of….my eating, my thinking, and my “no matter what” I’m going to my consultation.

No weigh in this week because I had two liters of water before my consultation from being dehydrated from the medication I was on, but I’m happy to say that I’m better and I’m “sick and tired” enough to do the work to continue to move towards my goal weight.

Hope…sick enough to do the work!

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Beyond Halfway!!!!

This was one of the most stressful weeks on my program. First of all, I had to work over the weekend, so by Friday of this week I had worked ten days straight! Second of all I had a long-term customer of mine tell me (admittedly due to a mistake on my part) that I was unprofessional and had lost all credibility. The last straw was the possibility that my job could be eliminated. So you roll that ball of stress up and what do you get? For me at this point in my life it meant sticking even closer to my program. I have finally learned that when things external to me and beyond my control are spinning it is even more important for me to follow my JC menu. On my 10^th day of work I calmed myself with some Evian water and magazines at 9pm at night at the end of my workday. I passed all the drive-through restaurants that used to be my retreat in times of stress when I would convince myself that “this” was just not a “good” time to follow my program. Now I know ALL the time is a GOOD time to follow my program. So what was my reward for taking exceptional care of me? I didn’t meet my halfway goal of 40 pounds, I PASSED IT and lost 2.8 pounds for a total of 41 pounds GONE. YAY ME!

It hit me that I had finally grown to a point where the opinions others have of me don’t define me. I get to determine who I am, and I know I AM professional and credible, independent of what that customer said about me. I know I am someone who will land on my feet regardless of what happens to my job. Why? Because I have decided on whom I am, and that’s a woman who knows how to put herself on her “to-do” list of top priorities.

I haven’t felt this proud of my choices in a very long time. I could get used to being powerful and not pitiful.

I’ve also attached a picture of me in front of the poster at my center. I think I’m looking pretty good if I say so myself!

Hope

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I was reading the September issue of Essence where our very own Phylicia Rashad is in an article titled “I Did It for Me”. She talks about seeing herself on reruns of The Cosby Show, “I was so LIGHT and I”m not just talking about being slender”. She goes on to say something SO profound (at least to me) and here it goes…

“I looked at that screen and remembered how I wasn’t carrying anybody’s weight but my own at that time”

It got me thinking….ummm WHOSE weight are we REALLY carrying? Do some of the following sound like familiar “weights”?

1. Using everyone else as the reason we can’t eat a healthy balanced meal. After all….they held me at gunpoint to eat it right?

2. Overextending ourselves to our family and friends and leaving only the leftovers for ourselves which include the highest calorie lowest nutrient foods.

3. Consuming large quantities of unhealthy food because of what someone else said or did or did NOT do, for that matter.

4. “Weight” from the past….all the “should have, wish I would have, why did I, why me” thoughts that keep us in a victim versus victorious mode.

5. Constantly looking at what we don’t have.

6. Expecting someone else to make us happy (i.e. giving all of our power away and not taking responsibility for our own happiness).

7. Eating when hunger isn’t the problem, but more our refusal to use our voice to stand up for ourselves in our lives and constantly making the choice to let the behaviors of others dictate our eating.

8. Not reading the JC manuals, not asking for help from our JC Consultant or Program Director, still doing our modified version on Jenny Craig.

9. Still looking for the “magic bullet” (i.e. that new pill that will speed this up, that new shake that will melt fat away).

10. NOT following the program and then being upset about the lack of progress…and misdirecting that anger towards the program and/or your consultant. Someone wrote on the JC forum “whether I follow the plan or not is 100% up to me”. We can ask for help but we can’t ask anyone to do this for us.

11. Being impatient when challenges/obstacles/plateaus at the scale inevitably come. Deciding to “take a break” because of slow progress only to exchange slow progress for NO progress only to return to the program months later feeling discouraged. Impatience is a very heavy weight!

So ….I am SO PUMPED up on Phylicia’s article, her interview with her sister on Good Morning America on ABC, and with my recent loss of 3.8 pounds bringing my total to 37.2 pounds lost! YAY ME!

I guess in spite of all my stumbles, I’m still hard headed enough to believe that if Phylicia and Valerie can do it then SO CAN I!

If you want what others have you have to be willing to do what others have done to get it . . .

I’m ready to run my race of life carrying ONLY my own weight….how about you? Are you ready to drop ALL the weight that doesn’t belong to you? Here we go….let’s go get it done.

Hope

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My 39th Birthday!

Well I’m officially 39 now and I lost 33 pounds for my birthday. I was disappointed for a solid minute during my Jenny Craig consultation and then it was all about facing forward.  I’ve attached some pictures of myself wearing a size MEDIUM dress and it’s from Target.  I never could have worn anything that didn’t have at least one “x” in it 33 pounds ago, so I’m incredibly proud and excited about the next 33 pounds to lose.  I spent my consultation focusing on the next short term goal which is still to hit 40 pounds. I’m only 7 pounds away and I know I can do it.

I must admit I had to borrow a little of my consultant’s faith in me. Just hearing her say every week that I CAN do this and that she is 100% convinced, makes me take the leap of faith in myself.  I LOVE the one on one attention. Maybe it’s because I’m an only child. I like being the focus.  This journey isn’t easy so I don’t miss the days of the other program where I would sit in a large group and have to hear about solutions to problems I didn’t have.  I’m glad I found the courage to walk through Jenny’s door and I’m even more proud of the courage I’ve had to stay.  So much has happened in my life….loss of a baby, unraveling of a marriage, and the threat of being layed off.  But you know, through all of that the skills I’ve learned on this program have taught me that no matter what I belong on the list of people to take care of.  As I continue to put myself at the top of my list of priorities I continue to have more to give to others and to my job.  I’ve learned you can’t give what you don’t have and because of this program I now have a LOT to give.

39 and 33 pounds lighter!

So that’s my update.  It’s knocking on the door of another “first” and I always thought it was crazy to only be excited on January 1st. We have 11 others we could embrace and get pumped up about. So I’m pumped, I’m excited and just too thrilled at the possibility that THIS Christmas I could be weighing ‘1′ something.  Only 10pounds away now, so it’s possible. My choices are the only thing stopping me.

Until next time….Hope

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I was reading the insert that comes with the Touchstones set, and in the front it talks about having a mindset that is fattening. That really resonated with me because this past week in spite of my very heavy workout schedule, my mindset became very fattening. I started telling myself that I was just too stressed to take time away from my desk to eat lunch. I was too busy to get the extra rest that my body was telling me I needed. So I kept pushing and pushing until something had to give, and that “something” unfortunately was my eating. I had four stellar days on program but the last three headed towards my weigh in were . . . well let’s just say they weren’t on plan. The thing that I’m proud of is that I have enough days of following the program behind me now that I had 100% confidence that I could turn it around. On weeks when I know I’ve gained, those are the MOST important weeks to get on the scale. No point in continuing the fattening thinking with lies like I’ll miss this week or why should I go when I know I’ve gained. This means more to me than just reaching my goal weight. That’s important but it’s also important that I learn how to handle a lapse. When I gain at my goal weight I will know how to get right back to goal as a result of weeks like this. I did over six hours of exercise, I packed my JC food on my flight, I requested a microwave and fridge in my hotel, and I noticed my thinking had become “fattening” and turned it around. So while I had a gain this week I am happy to say that I lost a lot of other baggage that comes with this journey! I also had three people comment on how much weight I’ve lost. Funny how that works, when you lose your “fat head” thinking. I really believe we all project how we’re feeling much more than we know. I’m feeling confident. I may or may not reach my 40lbs loss by my birthday but I know I will reach it and exceed it because I KNOW how to navigate the rough patches of my program and to me that’s PRICELESS. So being a fat head for a moment has its good points!

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Pitfalls versus Pavement Movement

Choosing to be Pitiful versus Powerful (note I said CHOOSING)

There are some inevitable PITFALLS on this journey. The 2 major pitfalls that I have come up with:

1. Pit of Innocence
This is when from seemingly “out of no where” it’s a struggle to be on program. We have unexpected repairs to our homes that require a lot of money, something happens to the car and we get off schedule, someone we love is possibly ill and we find ourselves “waiting” and very uneasy, bad weather causes severe traffic delays, a child gets sick and our sleep is interrupted, someone is rude to us for no apparent reason, we find ourselves around “toxic” people or “energy vampires” and we can feel ourselves getting frustrated, etc. Bottom line we didn’t cause any of it but for some reason we ALLOW ourselves to fall into a “pit” of now debating whether we should stay on our program or not. We start saying “this is too hard with all I have going on”.

2. Pit of Pity
I’ve noticed in myself that if I’m not careful that when I fall into the “pit of innocence” I will stay there by focusing on that LONG inevitable list in life of things I CANNOT and DO NOT CONTROL. There is nothing that’ll guarantee frustration and pity faster than focusing on changing someone else or trying to police people’s behavior. We start wallowing and asking questions that’ll keep us stuck like, “Why do they act like that? Why does this always happen to me? Why is life so hard?” Even if you did have an answer to these useless questions, they wouldn’t move us out of the pity. The thing about a pit is that the ground isn’t solid….the more we stay in it the deeper we sink and the majority of the time our own self talk is the primary culprit to keeping us in pity. The good news about that is that it can change.

So my challenge this week as I prepare to fly out is to go from the Pit to the Pavement and to choose to be Powerful versus Pitiful. I’ve heard from Joyce Meyer that it’s a CHOICE…you can be POWERFUL or you can be PITIFUL but you CANNOT be both.
How to get on the PAVEMENT and regain POWER?

1. PAVEMENT MOVEMENT

• Focus on all that I have complete control over
• Have a plan AND stick to the plan
• Develop a tough/no matter what mindset. This is what I have chosen to do because I want this for myself
• 100% JATTNE is non-negotiable. I will not allow myself to debate whether I’ll do my program today. I don’t negotiate other important areas of my life like taking a shower or brushing my teeth daily and I’m adding my program to my list of “non-negotiables”.

2. POWER

• I will own my power today and not willingly give it away to other people because of how they think, feel, or what they say. No one is holding me at gun point to eat and so I will not lie to myself and blame anyone for deviating from my plan other than myself. I OWN my eating program.
• I will not let anyone else’s actions make me behave in a way that doesn’t support my ultimate goals
• I will celebrate every choice I make that supports my goals and direct any pity to powerful thoughts about how great I feel taking exceptional care of myself

So ……that’s my challenge as I prepare to travel for the next 4 days, and I offer it to you. We all will inevitably face the temptation of the pit, the strong pull of pity, BUT we can choose to stay on the pavement and to own our power. That’s the challenge for me….anyone else ready for some serious pavement movement and power? Then let’s do this…..

Hope

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Wow! I cannot believe it’s the 8th month of 2009. I am now 25 days before my 39th birthday and 7.2 pounds away from hitting 40n pounds lost on Jenny Craig.  I am SO EXCITED and I gotta be honest, also a little nervous.  I mean, I’m REALLY doing this.  Since I rededicated myself to the program on May 23rd,  I have consistently lost with the exception of one week.  I have really proven to myself that I CAN do this, and for someone who hasn’t weighed 205 since 2001 that really matters.  I remember vividly on my wedding day, December 8th 2001, that morning I weighed myself and the scale said 195. I was so disappointed that I had “excused” my way out of reaching my goal weight of 165. Then after seven days in the Western Caribbean on my honeymoon I came back at 205lbs. Yes a 10lb gain.  So for me it would represent a huge milestone.  Reaching this by my birthday would be the best present I could give myself, and ironically it’s a present that ONLY I can give to myself. In some ways that’s very empowering because it means it’s 100% in my control to follow the program.  OWNING my program has been a long time coming. I’ve put people and external life situations in charge for so long, surrendering my power. It really feels good to be in this place.  So I lost 0.8 pounds this past week and at first I was disappointed, but my consultant quickly reminded me that I’ve loss 4.4 pounds over the last two weeks, so I’m doing well.  Okay I’ll be back to report my next update soon.  August…still can’t believe it.

Forget the past…there is no future in it.

Hope

You know, lately I have been going to the mall more, and as always, I’m looking for “lessons” in everything I do in my life. So recently I mentioned that when I went to visit my parents, I left my garment bag that had my suit for work in it at home, and since I was almost two hours into my drive I just decided to take a chance and go to the mall. Now I haven’t lived in my hometown for more than 6 months in the last 20 years so the malls are all new.

When I walked in the entrance the first thing I looked for was the kiosk. You know, to find the red dot with the words “you are here” beside it? Then I looked for potential stores that would have the style suit and size that I needed. As I started walking I got to this “fork” in the mall where there were multiple ways I could go, and again there was a kiosk with another, although moved, red dot with “you are here” beside it.

So what the heck does this have to do this us? BTW, I had gone the wrong way . . . It got me thinking. Why is it that we are SO reluctant to own our red dot? You know to take a TRUE and HONEST assessment of where we are in order to go where we want to go? We miss our weigh ins, we easily deviate and intentionally ignore the “fork” in the road of our journey and go in a direction we have no desire or real intention to go in, and then we berate ourselves with really negative self talk about not being perfect. Seems so simple in the mall…..find where you are, look to see where you wanna go, and then walk in that direction. You feel like you’ve gone too long in the wrong direction so you look at the NEXT kiosk and reassess. For some reason on this journey though, we seem willing to walk in the wrong direction for significant periods of time and ignore the red dots on the kiosks along the way. I mean does not weighing in make the number different? Does not going to our consultation have a history of being effective? Has the background pity party music to go with our whining ever inspired us to take action? How often have we been envious of others who have reached their goal without gaining a single week and yet we aren’t willing to do what they did - not deviate every week? Those who OWNED their red dot and mapped out a CLEAR path to their destination seem to have something “special” that we long for….but the more I think about it, all they have is a decision. A decision we ALL CAN make every single day….a decision to OWN the red dot. To look at the kiosk in our own lives and to stand flat footed like an adult and accept the current “red dot” with our head up and our mind focused on the NEXT destination. No one can do this for us. Our consultants can provide insight, Touchstones can provide exercises for our mind, but at the end of the day we each have to own where we are 100% in order to change it. When we accept that every choice we’ve made up until now got us to this “red dot” we can then say we can make new choices to reach a new “red dot”…..and know that every meal is an opportunity to move towards a new red dot, or to take steps back towards the “entrance of the mall”, that place we were not only physically, but mentally when we joined Jenny Craig and said “enough”.

I don’t know about you all….but I plan on exiting this “mall” at a different place than I came in. So as promised I would report what I gained last week…..6.8 pounds. Yep that was my red dot. I can now own up to it and say I was ashamed of myself, mad at myself, and down emotionally for going so far back towards my red dot at the entrance of my journey. I have found the only thing harder than recovering from a binge is having to recover AGAIN. I hate feeling like that BUT ……..I owned it. I looked at the scale, I went to my consultation, I shared on here how I was feeling, and I kicked some serious booty (my own) this week and I’ll be back in a few hours to tell you just how hard I kicked. I wanted to post this before my weigh in, in hopes that this would meet someone else who may be sad as they stand in front of a very familiar and painful red dot, and that this could show that you CAN walk in another direction. You CAN walk with sadness. You CAN walk with doubts that you can do this. You CAN walk with tears in your eyes. You CAN walk when everything in you wants to sit and wallow. YOU CAN and I KNOW you can because I did. I’m just an everyday “celebrity” just like I believe all of you are in your own lives. So even if you have to crawl….own the red dot as much as it may hurt right now and move on.

I have since moved 5.4lbs in the direction TOWARDS my goal. I lost almost all of the 6.8 pounds in one week. Nothing like OWNING your red dot! I’m owning my red dot ….anyone else?

Hope

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I’ve had some stressful and frustrating moments at work over the last couple of days, but you know, I have just decided that feeling frustrated and stressed is fine, but destroying the goals I have for myself is NOT acceptable. At least not because of how someone else is behaving. My consultant gave me a care call last night. Just one of the many reasons I love this program. Lately hump day has been a tough day of the week for me. Remember last week I had a total meltdown with those dangerous 100 calorie snack packs. It doesn’t help that they come seven to a pack! They should call them what they are….700 calories of snacks because you can’t eat just one. THAT would be much more accurate, but I digress. So my consultant reminded me of my goals and reset my focus for the remainder of the week. Did I say I love this program? I mean who else would’ve called me to talk about my weight management goals on a Tuesday night? NO ONE…at least that I wouldn’t have hung up on.
So what did I do to handle my stress and frustration? I made the decision to be even more diligent with my program. Tonight when I got home I listened to a song by Pink called “SO WHAT” and turned it up as loud as my ipod would go as I worked through interval training on my elliptical. So now after 60 minutes of sweat and the “So What” lyrics ringing in my head, all seems well.
There aren’t many guarantees in life, but you know I never regret following my program or the guaranteed feelings of empowerment I feel afterwards. On the other hand I ALWAYS regret deviating…that too is a guarantee. It still comes down to the power of choice, but tonight SO WHAT…I’m feeling like a rock star! I made it over the hump……woohoo!

Hope

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