This day was full of so much, I struggle to even know where to begin. I started my workday at 7am and as I sit here, it is 11:40pm and I’ve just gotten home. It was a long day for sure, but not really atypical for me. But, I had a food meltdown today. I went home for my Mother’s 60^th birthday and my Dad and I took her out to dinner. We had a good time, but I could tell my Mom had a little sadness in her eyes. I asked her how she was feeling and she said it was hard to accept that she had fewer days ahead than she had behind. I put on a strong face as I listened to her but I was breaking inside. I’m an only child and losing my parents is a thought that has traumatized me since I was a child. I’ve always had this knowing that no two people could love me as much as my parents. I also always envisioned that as my parents grew older I would have children before they passed away. In my mind having children of my own would push me to move on without my parents. As I’ve shared on here, my dream to have my own biological child ended in tragedy in 2007 when my son’s heart stopped and I had to carry him for 8 months after. It just brought all of the pain, loss, disappointment, and anxiety back. I felt extremely vulnerable and exposed. I didn’t want to breakdown in front of my parents but I was breaking. I know that was the back drop of the emotional explosion that came later in the day.

By 2pm I was worn out from the weight of the “happy face”. You know, the face we all put on at work no matter how we’re feeling, all because we’re at work and it just wouldn’t be appropriate to show our true feelings. So we go all day behind these worn happy faces answering “fine” when people ask us how we’re doing. Lying to ourselves and lying to others as we suck it up and do what’s necessary. I was sick of the mask. Just about that time I got a call with a request to do more work. I felt done. I ended up stopping at a convenience store on my way back home and I got donuts, another pastry, peanut butter, white wonder bread, and I inhaled almost all of it before I became “conscious” again. I hate these moments. It’s like they happen and I can see myself doing it, but seemingly don’t have the control to stop it. So after my three hour drive in the car full of junk food, I came home and started scanning the Jenny Craig forum and that’s when I realized I had to help myself. I can’t expect people to read my mind. I was struggling, and yet on every call I sounded upbeat. Every time someone asked me how I was doing I said a quick “fine”. It was time for my truth. So I called my center, and as always, that got me thinking straight again. By this time it was 5:30 and I had a two hour break before I had to continue working tonight. Instead of an even more severe pity party and even more empty calories, I took the rest of the junk food to the trashcan outside. I have been known to dig stuff out of my clean inside the house trash cans, so for me a permanent end to this binge meant permanent destruction of all I had purchased. As I reasoned things out on the phone with the Jenny Craig Center Director I could feel myself becoming aware again. So instead of my two hour break being sad, I filled it with a three mile jog and a plan to have steamed veggies and a salad at my 8pm dinner with co-workers.

So I sit here now….very tired, very worn emotionally, very drained but also very empowered. I have realized something new on this hump day. Valleys can be shallow.

Here we go…. Hope.

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